Things that I already miss about Saratoga:
1. Not having a job was "funny", and a seminal part of my personality. My laziness was not about me at all, it was my duty, my gift to the greater group of friends. My unemployment was the rock that everyone was able to stand upon, and laugh at, and tickle, and smell warmly. Apparently me not having any money or any evidence of employment is not such a laugh riot to my mom and dad. They come from a different generation though, where jolly fat-faced men in tight cowboy suits could have giggle fits and airy duets with wise-cracking wooden puppets for the entertainment of the whole nation. Me being a bum is funny. Right?
2. In all of my time in saratoga, i only once had to go to Ruby Tuesday's, and i never had to go to Outback Steakhouse. In the past three days, i've been to both of these places. Do you know how humiliating it is asking an overweight brace-face teenager named Kimmy what the "walkabout soup o' the day" is, in public? And then you should have seen the shame on my father's face, and the pure embarassment on my mother's face, when I ordered the "Jackeroo chops". Are you proud of me yet, dad? These Jackeroo chops are delicious!
And then for dessert, when all i wanted was to have a fucking brownie, i was made to speak the phrase "Chocolate Thunder from Down Under". When it finally arrived, i didn't have the stomach to eat it.
3. BEEEEEEEEER TOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. I haven't seen a real woman in 3 days. I have seen a whole lot of cinemax softcore though, and although i'd never speak a critical word about skinemax, it just isn't the same. And now that i've been home and away from saratoga, I've already begun romanticize my time there into much more than it was, in terms of my sexual adventures. I've already convinced myself that i was able to hold numerous conversations with members of the opposite sex without embarassing myself or making them feel naseous.
5. The phrase "Yake it to the Yimit" doesn't mean anything to anybody around here.
6. Does anyone remember laughter?
NOTE: I'm now eating the leftover Jackeroos and the humiliation has just come back. It isn't any easier when i do it alone.
7. While back in saratoga, i was completely ignorant of the reality tv showed called "The Ultimate Fighter". This is a show where they take possibly the biggest badasses alive, ultimate octagon of pain fighters, and put them in a house so they can get to know eachother and play gin rummy at 3 in the morning and "just talk" and learn about eachothers girlfriends and their fears and their favorite cartoons and what they think about God. These people are not supposed to be social. They are not supposed to cook eachother Chicken Scarpizzi and then complain that the chicken is dry and then resort to calling eachother chickens. "Who's the chicken now, bitch?" (direct quote). They are not supposed to compete in cute little challenges involving wearing the same water floaties that i wore on my arms when I was pissing in the kiddie pool on purpose. They are supposed to be smashing through bedroom walls with their fucking heads and chewing on eachother's leg muscles. Its hard to brutally beat someone's head in after the two of you have stayed up all night imagining step by step what you would do if you were the last two people on earth, and the phrase "all you can eat ice-cream buffet" was mentioned more than once.
Those are the big ones for now. If i think of anything else, i'll post them later. For now its just me, skinemax, my jackeroos and....well that's actually it.
1. Not having a job was "funny", and a seminal part of my personality. My laziness was not about me at all, it was my duty, my gift to the greater group of friends. My unemployment was the rock that everyone was able to stand upon, and laugh at, and tickle, and smell warmly. Apparently me not having any money or any evidence of employment is not such a laugh riot to my mom and dad. They come from a different generation though, where jolly fat-faced men in tight cowboy suits could have giggle fits and airy duets with wise-cracking wooden puppets for the entertainment of the whole nation. Me being a bum is funny. Right?
2. In all of my time in saratoga, i only once had to go to Ruby Tuesday's, and i never had to go to Outback Steakhouse. In the past three days, i've been to both of these places. Do you know how humiliating it is asking an overweight brace-face teenager named Kimmy what the "walkabout soup o' the day" is, in public? And then you should have seen the shame on my father's face, and the pure embarassment on my mother's face, when I ordered the "Jackeroo chops". Are you proud of me yet, dad? These Jackeroo chops are delicious!
And then for dessert, when all i wanted was to have a fucking brownie, i was made to speak the phrase "Chocolate Thunder from Down Under". When it finally arrived, i didn't have the stomach to eat it.
3. BEEEEEEEEER TOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. I haven't seen a real woman in 3 days. I have seen a whole lot of cinemax softcore though, and although i'd never speak a critical word about skinemax, it just isn't the same. And now that i've been home and away from saratoga, I've already begun romanticize my time there into much more than it was, in terms of my sexual adventures. I've already convinced myself that i was able to hold numerous conversations with members of the opposite sex without embarassing myself or making them feel naseous.
5. The phrase "Yake it to the Yimit" doesn't mean anything to anybody around here.
6. Does anyone remember laughter?
NOTE: I'm now eating the leftover Jackeroos and the humiliation has just come back. It isn't any easier when i do it alone.
7. While back in saratoga, i was completely ignorant of the reality tv showed called "The Ultimate Fighter". This is a show where they take possibly the biggest badasses alive, ultimate octagon of pain fighters, and put them in a house so they can get to know eachother and play gin rummy at 3 in the morning and "just talk" and learn about eachothers girlfriends and their fears and their favorite cartoons and what they think about God. These people are not supposed to be social. They are not supposed to cook eachother Chicken Scarpizzi and then complain that the chicken is dry and then resort to calling eachother chickens. "Who's the chicken now, bitch?" (direct quote). They are not supposed to compete in cute little challenges involving wearing the same water floaties that i wore on my arms when I was pissing in the kiddie pool on purpose. They are supposed to be smashing through bedroom walls with their fucking heads and chewing on eachother's leg muscles. Its hard to brutally beat someone's head in after the two of you have stayed up all night imagining step by step what you would do if you were the last two people on earth, and the phrase "all you can eat ice-cream buffet" was mentioned more than once.
Those are the big ones for now. If i think of anything else, i'll post them later. For now its just me, skinemax, my jackeroos and....well that's actually it.
posted by Doug at 8:39 PM
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