Dear Alice Kim,

Nicholas Cage is a clown. I see very little talent in the your husband's acting performances. He exhibits bad taste in behavior and poor selction of demeanor when he appears in public. He's not particularly good looking, in fact his appearance kind of annoys me in a general sort of way (I feel it both in my head and in my toes). Yet, he keeps getting roles, and more than that, he keeps getting good roles from good directors in what should have been good movies, but because they have Nicholas Cage spearheading the project, it falls into the same old pit of shit that everything else that nicholas cage thinks or does falls into.
He dresses like a jerk. If I were famous, I could dress in any way that i wanted, and I might even wear a leather jacket around here or there just for the spunk of it, but i wouldn't walk around looking like Nicholas Cage. Your husband, Nicholas Cage.
He wears a cowboy hat and cowboy boots with leather jackets and tight jeans. I want to hit him with a sports car. I'd like to mail a bomb to him like in the cartoons.
So he ruins movies, he wears stupid things, and he looks like an emaciated beaver. Or a 7th grade English teacher who loves Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rush. But what i'm really angry at, or I guess i should admit jealous of, is his beatiful asian water lily wife. The most delicate flower in all of the orient, savagely ripped from the ground by the dumb fingers of Nicholas Cage. I speak of course, of you, Ms. Alice Kim.
I've observed that you're only 21 years old (I'm observant and virile). Nicholas Cage is something like 40. So you like older men, Ms. Alice Kim? I'm 23, which makes me significantly your senior. I can dress in dumb clothes, and if given the chance, I can act really badly and obnoxiously in all but say two or three of all the movies i've ever been. Why not come to me instead? Why not marry me right now? I can garauntee you 20 more years of being an annoying pompous jerk with an inflated and completely undeserved sense of self-worth.
Alice Kim, I call to thee. I beckon thee from thy dull and cumbersome wedlock to Nicholas Fuckhead. I summon thee to my bedchambers where many lacy and velvety things can be seen dangling from the bedknobs and many soft and fluffy pillows can be touched and pushed. There, in my quarters, you will find my warm and fluffy chest hairs waiting for your lovely head to rest upon like a runway of passion for your lusty aeroplane, quickly running out of gas. You are the cookie which contains my fortune. Come to me, Alice Kim, and together, we will raise Arizona the way it was supposed to be raised, with fondling and caressing of your private parts!

lovingly yours,
Doug Cornett