Last night I was walking down the street when who should knock into me but Deion Sanders.
“Hey Prime Time, what’s slappening?” I ask, immediately regretting such an idiotically stupid statement. What kind of conversation is started out with, “What’s going on?” or, “Hey, what have you been up to recently?” A fucking terrible conversation, that’s what. Because once that sack of shit is opened up, the stink won’t leave till the speaking is done with.
And that’s why Deion Sanders punched me in the face. And then he did all of that fancy dancing, like he just intercepted a pass or something. I’m pissed at that point, so what else could I do but challenge Neon Deion to a hyper sweet multi-sport face-off.
So he and I wander over to the Hyper Dome, a cyber awesome sports facility. We met Lary Opitz, our acting referee and the stadium is full. The masses have gathered to watch an amazing display of effacaciousness.
We line up at the starting line for the 100 meter race, but I feel a twitch in my thigh and stand up. I knew I was done for the day and competition when suddenly the sky opened up and a magnificent man descended from the heavens.
“It’s me,” he said, “Bo Jackson.” Bo fucking Jackson. Wow. But I was confused. “I know what you’re thinking, Bo, so forget about it.” I got back into position to start the race, the crowd growing restless, but Bo was having none of my shenanigans.
“I know you’re hurting Cary,” he began.
“This isn’t your fight to fight, Bo!” I started, but I couldn’t keep it up. I broke down crying and Prime Time started laughing at me and doing another of his celebratory dances. What a miserable bastard! I thought to myself.
“Move over, Cary, it’s my time,” Bo intoned, glaring at Neon Deion. “It’s Bo time.” And that guy went on to kick the shit out of Deion, and Deion stopped dancing so much, and I felt a lot better about things.
Later that week I ran into Deion again, and I spit in his goddamned face. I told him he was worthless, and he should never have come back and played for the Baltimore Ravens. He then had Terrell Suggs and Ray Lewis attack me, and then Jamal Lewis stabbed me in the abdomen. And they were all dancing, doing the chicken wing and a lot of other embarrassing dances. Where the hell was Bo when I really needed him? It seemed to me Bo time was on.
I found out that Bo was in Jersey training cyborgs. What an asshole.