The Reason why I'll never do well at a job interview:

Potential Employer (Nice and Intensely Sophisticated): Douglas, thank you for coming. (shake shake shake). So, tell me about yourself a little. What are your hobbies?

Me: Drinking and............................................(staring out the window).............................................

P.E.N.I.S.- ......drinking and...?

Me- mmmm.....tough one. Tough One. Masturbation. Pasta. Um, I guess being hungover is sort of the same thing as drinking....

P.E.N.I.S- I see. Well, ok. What would you say your best asset is?

Me- I think my best asset is prolly (Sneeze). Oh man, HAHA! Look, I just shot snot all over me! HAHA!

P.E.N.I.S- Oh, my, let me get you something for th-

Me- And asian chicks too.

P.E.N.I.S- What?

Me- As a hobby. Asian chicks....but maybe...yeah I guess thats kind of the same thing as masturbation. Isn't it?

P.E.N.I.S- Hm. Well, where would you see yourself in three years?

Me- In the mirror.

P.E.N.I.S- I see.

Me- Get it?

P.E.N.I.S- mm hmm.

Me- Also, maybe at the NBA finals where the Cavs finally made it because by then they would have dumped Eric Snow and finally found a decent point gaurd who knows how to shoot the fucking ball. Right? And I'd prolly sneak into the V.I.P section or something so I could get Nachos, the good nachos with little jalepenos and tomatoes and maybe if they had chicken.....not the crappy nachos that you get in the outer concourse that don't give you enough cheese and the chips always have too much salt on them. And prolly drinking like my fourth or fifth beer, which would prolly make a grand total of ten or eleven because I'd definitely have drank a few before the game and on the way to the stadium. Man, I'd be hammered. And then I'd be too drunk to pay attention to the game and I'd just be staring at that hot chick who's three rows down and like 1.2.3....6 seats in from the aisle. No, the other one, with the dark hair. Yeah her, I'd be ogling her and getting ready to yell something lewd and tasteless like "Hey Honey Butt", but I'd be so drunk that I'd switch the words around and say "Hey Bunny Hut!" and then everyone would turn around and look at me and I'd say "Hey, who died and made you all FAT?!" And then to the bathroom because jesus christ I haven't pissed since that Job interview three years ago.

P.E.N.I.S- I have no idea what to say to you. I want you to leave, please.

Me- HEY HONEY BUTT.

P.E.N.I.S- Bonnie, could you please call security? Mr. Cornett is peeing on my desk.

Me- HEY BUNNY HUT!


See? I already know what would happen if I tried to get an office job. Not worth it.